I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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