My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
