You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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