and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I touched a dick in church today
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Couch. On fire.
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