Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
