Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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