I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
