she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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