I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
