I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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