I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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