at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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