He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
