from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
