woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
