God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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