Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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