If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
