HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
