im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
