I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
