tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
