oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
