My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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