Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
