I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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