I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
