dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
