so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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