I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My dad is sitting where you rode me
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
