it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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