Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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