Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
