Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
