just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
