Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
