I skipped work to stalk him.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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