Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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