U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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