Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
