Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
