I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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