How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
