you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
