I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
