Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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