So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
