it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
