TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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