gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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