We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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