i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
